When I got pregnant with my first child, we knew we had to save money. We had been bopping around before then, putting money on credit cards and paying it off, taking some money and putting it into savings, taking it out again. Not doing anything really stupid but not really being on top of the situation. We had put some money we got from our wedding in savings, and we hadn’t really done any savings since then. We WANTED to save money, but there never really seemed to be any money at the end of the month to put away.
When we realized we needed to save more money for the baby, we hit a snag. I am naturally frugal and have an easier time, just NOT spending money. My husband is not a big spender, but he occasionally buys a coffee, a danish, a pricey ingredient at the store. While I was busy trying NOT to spend money, he was still spending money on things that I, personally, deemed frivolous. He would come home, and the critic in me would start: “Are you sure you needed to buy a sandwich? You could have remembered to pack one at home”, “Another coffee? Really?”.
As you can imagine, he didn’t respond to that really well. As we continued to bicker, I became more controlling, and he became more defensive- “You’re not my mother” became a common refrain. When he came home with flowers for me in an effort to appease me, it just escalated the situation! “I don’t want flowers! I want to save money!”. It was not exactly the harmonious, loving home that we both wanted to have. We had become something that we both didn’t want to be: A COUPLE THAT FIGHTS ABOUT MONEY.
We were heading down a dark road, and it had to stop. All our interactions were becoming about money, and the “SAVINGS” was a big, black cloud that hung over our marriage. We didn’t know how to get there, and we were fighting as we tried to figure it out.
So we decided to do something we had never done before: We made a budget. (Cue the music).
And it worked. We stopped fighting. By creating a budget we were able to take the emotions out of the money which left us with nothing to fight about. Click To Tweet
We had a specific amount of money for household expenses and a specific amount of money for each of us to spend. We each decided for ourselves how to spend that money.
Stop Fighting About Money
Why did this work? Because it was really never about the money. It rarely is. It was about the emotions that money evokes. You see, I grew up in a poor family. Not dirt poor- but a “live on a strict budget don’t get dental work until its urgent” type of family. When my father lost his job, things were really, really tight and stressful. So I was determined that I would have savings and money in the bank to try to avoid those tense times. It made me feel secure knowing that there was a $50 bill in my purse that wasn’t being spent, just in case. It was important for me to have money in the bank.
My husband, on the other hand, grew up with a financially controlling parent. Every purchase was scrutinized, discussed, and analyzed. While they were pretty comfortable financially, he never felt the freedom to purchase anything on his own. Even when he spent his own money, he would be questioned and guilted about his purchases. When he became independent, he needed to spend his own money without feeling controlled or analyzed. He didn’t mind having a set amount to spend-he minded being told HOW or WHEN to spend it. He wanted to be able to decide for HIMSELF when to buy a cup of coffee or not.
Budgeting gave us both what we wanted. We put aside money for savings right when we got paid (instead of putting aside what was leftover), which gave me the feeling of security and purpose that I craved, and that allowed me to stop feeling panicked about the money he spent. On his end, he was able to decide what to spend on which item without feeling guilty or uncertain about his choices. It was freedom within a framework- which is what he wanted.
The budget we created was made by both of us. We both agreed to the amounts and the system. We have lived on this same budgeting system for years now, with a few minor adjustments. We honestly rarely talk about money. When we do, it is to discuss changes to the budget or big purchases-its all done calmly and respectfully (and rarely). We already know what we each need and what our overall financial goals are, so we only rarely have to discuss the “nuts and bolts.” There really is nothing to fight about, and money does not make its way into every discussion like it used to.
6 Tips to Help you Create a Budget with your Spouse or Significant Other:
- Be calm and respectful. Realize that it is rarely about the money. It is about the emotion that money evokes.
- Respect the other person’s needs and wants.
- Write it down and agree to reevaluate.
- Choose a quiet, peaceful time to assess how the budget is working.
- Give your partner space. Trust them to follow the budget and stick to the plan.
- Support the other if they mess up. The relationship is more important than money.
What budget did we use? We started using the Modern Envelope Budgeting System.
Robyn Goldfarb
Hi! I am a millennial mom with a passion for personal finance. I have always been “into” personal finance but got inspired to start my blog after a period of extended unemployment. That experience really changed the way I viewed my relationship with money and the importance of accessible personal finance education.
I think I will be sharing this post with my husband… Thanks (also, love your theme… but I might be biased).
Communication in marriage can be difficult. Especially when you are trying to either pay down as much debt as possible or save money, I found that having a little wiggle room in your budget categories can help a ton to relieve some stress. We all have our unique backgrounds and experiences, and it can be tough to sort through what is best for the family. I think your point about talking about these issues in a caring and loving way is the most important thing we can do.
Thank you! Yes- understanding that is so rarely about the money but the emotions can really help you navigate the “money thing” together.
Want to be healthier? Then choose to be healthier; mentally, physically including what you eat, all the time. Become and live who you want to be, rather than trying, failing, then beating yourself up and repeating a cycle of destruction like a sadomasochist. I’ve been there and from my own experience I can tell you that this is the opposite of healthy living.
Want greater security? Let go of what you can’t control and discover truly what security means to you and what is within your control, across every aspect of your life. Then do the things that show to yourself that you are secure and is the evidence you have security.
Be it the above examples, financial freedom, worrying less, having more time or whatever you want to experience more of, instead of delaying action by seeking perfectionism, wishing or wanting the results without full commitment. Pay the price i.e. Start “Doing” your work. You will feel better for it and doing so be directly experiencing what is important to you.
Wonderful post. I love it when you say it is rarely about the money, its more about emotions. That is so true. Money brings out lots of emotions and with two different backgrounds it can be really hard to understand the other one. If you work it through and set common goals everything is possible.
Thanks;) Humans are very rarely logical creatures so our money decisions are very rarely made truly logically. There are so many emotions that are attached to our spending and saving. When we understand where the other person is coming from we can make better decisions TOGETHER.
I especially needed the reminder that it’s rarely about the money, it’s about the emotion that it includes. My husband and I have been trying out a new budgeting system this year and so far it’s been good, but still hard for me to follow. I definitely see the benefits of budgeting together with your spouse though! We’re currently working towards our goal of getting our hardwood floors resurfaced, and we just have one more month before I can schedule the appointment! Thanks for the tips.