Family relationships can be some of the most complicated to navigate. Knowing which move is the right one isn’t always as cut and dried as we’d like.
Redditor @Small_Cut2439 is finding out that sometimes boundaries can be blurry.
Here’s the Story
OP and her brother were both adopted by their parents when they were young. He is a white male and she is a dark-skinned black woman. Their parents are an interracial couple and as such their family faced some unique challenges.
OP is adamant that their parents did the ‘very best’ by both of them. OP and her brother both wanted to find their biological families as they got older and while OP says she had some information to go on, her brother had nothing.
OP says that when her brother was 20 he met his now wife. Her SIL pushed OP’s brother to find his biological family before their wedding and ‘went behind his back’ using DNA to locate his family. The process was messy, but OP says her brother forgave his then-fiance and agreed to meet his biological family.
In the meantime, OP says her SIL told her to ‘get lost’ because he had sisters who were actually related to him and that she ‘was crazy’ if she thought she was going to ‘be in HER wedding photos.’
OP said she also said that their parents ‘should get used to having one child.’
OP discloses that her brother had already started to pull away and because she was ‘hurt and angry’ she never told him about the nasty things his wife had said and done to manipulate their relationship.
OP says that six years went by with no contact between her and her brother. Just over a year ago, however, her brother reached out and apologized for letting things go so bad and they have been on speaking terms ever since.
OP says her brother recently lost his job and had to take a major pay cut to get a new one. She also discloses that her brother’s landlord ‘illegally’ evicted them by changing the locks on their rental.
Her brother called to ask if his family could stay with her for a bit, as they live in the same city.
OP told him that he could bring their children and stay, but that his wife was not welcome in her home.
He surprised OP by saying that the arrangement would work for him.
OP’s SIL is MAD and said that her SIL ‘came after her’ calling her petty and some other choice words. OP said SIL said it’s not right for her to be separated from her children and how ‘unhealthy’ it would be for them.
Now OP is wondering if her boundary is too tight and if she’s truly TA for taking in her brother and his kids, but his wife.
Here’s What Reddit Thinks
@Nessie51 thinks OP is so NTA.
“NTA. Nope. Let’s call her what she is – a racist.
She can’t call you names to your face and encourage your brother to cut ties, then want to be looked after because it suits her.
I would have told him and would still suggest you tell him now, because if she is bringing up the kids to have the same attitude then nothing gets resolved. You have set a boundary, keep to it!”
User @DoYouHaveAnyIdea16 thinks the ‘chickens have finally come home to roost.’
“It is hopefully the beginning of the end and OP’s SIL knows that.
The brother will likely find not living with his racist wife is pretty good.
I say ‘well done’, OP. Your SIL is living with the consequences of her own actions and though it’s taken years, the chickens have finally come home to roost.”
Redditor @GullibleWineBar thinks OP should definitely fill her brother in.
“NTA, at all. That woman is hideous and I hope this is the first step in your brother divorcing her and taking full custody of the children.
If you haven’t already, it’s time to explain to your brother what she said and why you refuse to let her into your life. Provide a safe and loving home for your brother and his kids.
Be a model for a loving and secure family relationship. It may be the first time they see a woman give them consistent, loving attention because I doubt their mom is doing it.”
In the End
Working on relationships, especially when outside measures complicate them, can be exhausting.
The fact that the brother seemed to ‘be fine’ with leaving his wife in a less-than-stellar situation and didn’t fight to bring her with him gives credence to the theory that their marriage might not be as happy as one might expect.
These three adults have a lot to work out and work through, depending on what is best for everyone involved. Given that they have yet to do that after so long, however, it might indicate an unwillingness to fix the underlying problems that have plagued their individual relationships.
Would you have treated SIL the same in OP’s situation?
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