Would you be mad if your mother got into a relationship shortly after your father’s death? Is there a period considered a decent amount to take mourning your partner?
OP thinks her mother moved on quickly and considers it disrespectful to her deceased father. She even canceled a family vacation because her mother said she would be bringing along her new partner.
With You Through the Tough Times
So, OP’s father lost his 1.5-year battle with cancer. When she was writing this post on the “Am I the ***hole” Subreddit, it had been one year since her father’s death. He died at 62, and he had been married to OP’s mother for 31 years.
A few months before OP’s father got sick, their marriage had been on the rocks; they were even contemplating divorce. However, after OP’s father’s cancer diagnosis, which was followed by extreme ups and downs of treatment, OP’s mother and father came together.
She cared for the ailing man every step of his cancer treatment until his demise.
OP says she and her mother had been pretty close, but it is not been the same since her father’s death. She says they talk and see each other less and less, which makes OP sad.
So, four months after OP’s father’s death, OP’s mother started seeing a new man. She started by calling this new man a “friend” and would occasionally mention his name in conversations. She then started bringing her new boyfriend to family events and parties. OP says she doesn’t want anything to do with her mother’s new boyfriend and even told her it was too soon to move on.
He Is Not Welcome
OP has tried conversing with the new man and says the energy is just awkward. The extended family is close-knit, and OP says everyone is uncomfortable with the new man around. She says her mother disregards their feelings in their grieving moment.
During their Easter Party, OP’s mother casually said she would bring along her new man to the family vacation they were planning. The family had already booked a condo for the vacation and were ready to get flights.
When OP’s mother said she would bring her boyfriend to the family vacation, OP somehow did not hear it. OP’s cousin later called OP, informing her of the new addition to the family vacation, and that’s when OP decided to confront her mother. She expressed to her mother how she felt about the man coming to the vacation, but her mother completely dodged the issue and changed the subject.
OP says it would cost her more regarding flight costs, yet they had decided to leave a day earlier to save on costs. However, OP says that money is not the problem. The real problem is that out of the 20 people on the family vacation, nobody wants the OP’s mom’s boyfriend to be there apart from OP’s mom.
OP says his presence would make everyone uncomfortable, and they would have to tiptoe around the awkward situation instead of enjoying their vacation.
OP’s mother booked her boyfriend’s flight, thinking that maybe OP did not want to cater for his flight costs. OP, however, canceled the entire holiday to save herself and everyone else the discomfort.
Is OP the jerk for this?
Redditors Weigh In
Many commenters think that OP was in the wrong and was hostile to her mother for no good reason.
One commenter said, “YTA. Sounds like your mom put aside the reasons she wanted to divorce your dad to be there for him in his time of need and to honor their 31 years together. I’m sure you’ve read on Reddit how many men abandon their spouses when diagnosed with cancer. Your mom stayed until the end for him, even though the marriage was done. She stayed with him through his cancer and helped him, and now what? You’re mad that she has a chance at happiness again? How many years of her life does she have to sacrifice before you decide it’s ok for her to be happy? 1-2 years to nurse him, one year to grieve- that’s already at least three years of sacrifice for an older woman who wanted to be free and have a better life. It doesn’t matter what you think of her boyfriend. My mom is dating someone I don’t like, but I won’t say {anything} because he makes her happy. And yes, I’m going on an awkward family trip with them. Be a better child to your mom.”
One commenter who was controversially on OP’s side said, “The trip was planned MONTHS ago per OP. Did Mom let people know he was coming? Sorry but if I’m using vacation time and my own money to relax, I’m not going with somebody who makes me uncomfortable. Mom can date whoever she wants, and they should be happy for her, but no way would I pay for a trip where I’m forced to spend time in an uncomfortable position.”
And lastly, “YTA. Grow up. Your mother and father were already contemplating divorce; she stayed with him through his illness anyway. She didn’t move on too quickly or do anything wrong. I’m sorry for your loss, but your mother deserves to be happy, seriously.”
Who is the inconsiderate one here? Is it OP for canceling the vacation or her mother for wanting to involve her boyfriend when OP has clarified that she does not want the man included in the vacation?
This article was produced and syndicated by A Dime Saved.
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Hi! I am a millennial mom with a passion for personal finance. I have always been “into” personal finance but got inspired to start my blog after a period of extended unemployment. That experience really changed the way I viewed my relationship with money and the importance of accessible personal finance education.