A woman (33f) had a first date with a guy (38) she met on an app.
Here’s How It Went
He chose a fancy wine bar for them to go to and also chose the wine. He also wanted to get a few snacks to share, so they did, and he pretty much chose those too.
It was a really lovely evening. The conversation was great, and they really got along. However, when it came time to get the bill, he suggested they split it. Now she didn’t expect people to pay for her and didn’t think that men should pay for everything, but the bill was almost £70 for a bottle of wine and some snacks! She would never have ordered such an expensive bottle of wine and was irritated that he’d chosen it without first asking if it was okay if he expected to go halfsies.
It was also very clear that he earned a lot more than she did. She did have a nice time, but she would never have chosen such an expensive place and definitely wouldn’t expect someone else to pay so much. She couldn’t quite work out whether it was reasonable to be so annoyed! She’s currently not working due to illness, so she has very little money, not that he’s aware of that. She doesn’t know if this means anything, but he did tell her about a time he overcharged his roommates so he could pay less rent.
The Debate
And then, there was a debate about who was right and who was wrong. Some users on Reddit remarked that if the OP wasn’t okay with the lavish spending, she should have said so. Others felt it was inappropriate for the guy to place the order if he wasn’t going to pay the bills.
Someone commented sternly, “No, but this is the sort of stuff you need to clarify, even if it seems tacky.” I’d always work on the assumption you’d have to pay. So, if he suggests an expensive place, you say, ‘Sorry, I can’t afford that.’ If he then really wants to go, he can offer to pay.”
Another objected, saying, “You don’t always know if a place is expensive until you see the menu, though. I’ve been to lots of restaurants and wine bars where I had no idea what the price ranges would be until I got in there. They explain that wine bars in particular, they can range from cheap to very expensive bottles. If she didn’t see the menu and he ordered for both of them, she would have had no idea how much she was agreeing to spend. Her only recourse at that point would be to ask to see the menu before he handed it back to the server, ask him to show her which wine he ordered, and then say, ‘I’m sorry, that’s too much for my budget,’ which would be very awkward and embarrassing. He put her in a bad spot. You only order for someone else if you’re planning to pay.”
Another commenter thinks it’s even more than affordability. They say, “Like, I could afford an expensive date like that, but I think it’s f**king stupid to spend that much on a first date or even a second or third date. Why would you go to a wine bar and order expensive wine and food with someone you’re just getting to know? This is like a good date idea for like a special occasion later on, when there’s an actual romantic relationship that has been established.”
Over to you. Who do you think is in the wrong here? Should the person who orders for someone else without checking with them really be the one to foot the bill?
